Top 10 Lover/Mother Fails...

Over the course of the last 17 months, I've inadvertently committed some fairly heinous parenting crimes, by trying to retain elements of our pre-T sex life. These are the 'On my god you'll never guess what T has done now' anecdotes I won't be sharing at Mum and Tots group. However thanks to the anonymity of the internet, you, dear reader, get to hear about them in all their icky glory. Below are my top 10 Lover/Mother guilty secrets...

1. The time I walked into our spare room, where we dry the washing, to find my 14 month old dancing with a pair of skimpy black lace knickers on his head.

2. Waking T up by being too, ah, enthusiastic during sex with Mr McGraw. Oops. This probably wouldn't score so highly but for the fact it happened more than once. The same night. Double oops.

3. Moving our 4 month old into his own room contrary to NHS guidelines which recommend waiting until baby is 6 months old. Not because, as we told everyone, we believed he would sleep better in his own room but quite simply because we were gagging for it.

4. Spending our first night and day away from T in bed. For 24 hours straight. Then being completely unconvincing when people asked what we did on our trip away. "Er, um, you know, er, museums and stuff?" I think even my own mother suspects the truth.

5. Finding my 17 month old using an "IOU Hot Sex" voucher as a toothpick.

6. Spending my free time reading dirty books instead of "10 ways to get vegetables into your toddler today!"

7. Using T's nap time to go back to bed ourselves in the afternoon. I know the books all say sleep when the baby sleeps but I don't think that's quite what they meant...

8. Unplugging the baby monitor in our room as oddly enough the sound of a snuffly, snoring baby is not an aphrodisiac. (If it is you should probably seek professional help. ) If he yells loud enough we will hear him.

9. When holidaying with friends and family, insisting on T having his own room as "he'll sleep better that way". Actually we are on holiday and I will be damned if I don't get a f**k on holiday. Sorry it cost you an extra £50, sis.

10. Writing this blog. My knowledge of teenagers nowadays is pretty limited, but I can't see it going down well in future years...

Zombie.

How to entertain a hyperactive toddler when you just want to sleeeeep? A disco of course! Close the curtains (no one needs to see me rocking the funky chicken at 10am) and crank up the volume on the iPod. T loves music, and is as happy bopping along to the Postman Pat theme as he is Prince ('Raspberry beret' a particular favourite, since you ask). However the song that got him grooving today was...

Zombie by the Cranberries. Not a natural choice on the playlist of most under 3's, I grant you. But the sight of my beautiful boy swaying to the tune whilst blissfully ignorant of the heartrending lyrics and the powerful message behind them was a sight that will stay with me. The song is evocative on so many levels, as it conjures up images of war-torn Belfast, but also the nostalgia for University days spent listening to music and nights spent dancing in indie clubs, taking every lyric to heart, thinking we could take on the world and win.

A long way from dancing in the dining room of a suburban house with a toddler. The juxtaposition of my old life and new life was stark. But I would trade any number of nights at the indie disco to spend one moment watching my infant son swaying to the Cranberries without a care in the world.

Post-holiday Blues...

So, following a much needed weekend away with Mr McGraw (more of which later...), T has decided that sleep is for wimps. Which means anguished screams circa 3am ( he does like to mix it up though just to keep us on our toes so really any time between midnight and 4am), arms outstretched and wails of "Mumma...Mumma...MUMMA!". The only cure appears to be a swift extraction from his cot to the marital bed- plonked squarely betwixt Mr M and I, where he metamorphs into his usual sunny self,shouting "Hiya!" at top volume.

Having turned nocturnal, day times with T have been no picnic this week either. Having left T for the weekend, he now sobs his heart out if I so much as disappear from his line of vision. A new low was reached on Friday when he insisted on accompanying me to the toilet at a friend's house. Then opened the toilet door- mid flow.

Suffice to say lack of sleep and a toddler between you in bed means that the glow of a weekend away soon diminishes and bickering sets in.

To me it seems a high price to pay for a weekend away to reconnect as husband and wife. 2 days 'off' (missing your offspring like crazy all the while) to then have 2 weeks of disrupted sleep and a toddler superglued to your side during waking hours...is it worth it? There can be no doubt that time away from being Mum and Dad is a key weapon in the fight to retain one's sexuality. But how to minimise the fallout afterwards? If I figure it out you guys will be the first to know...